Resources That Helped Me

Books, therapy, and practices that genuinely made a difference

During the four months between my breakup and reconciliation, I consumed an enormous amount of material. Most of it was useless. Some of it was actively harmful — manipulative “get your ex back” programs designed to exploit desperate people. But a few resources were genuinely transformative. They changed how I understood myself, my relationship, and what went wrong.

This is the list I wish someone had given me on Day 1. Everything here was personally helpful to me during my journey. You can read the full story of that journey for context on how these resources fit into the timeline.

Books That Changed My Understanding

Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

This is the book I recommend first and most emphatically. It introduces attachment theory in accessible terms — anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles — and helps you identify your own patterns. Reading it was like having someone hand me a map to a territory I'd been stumbling through blind.

I discovered through this book that I have an avoidant attachment style — I withdraw under stress, I prioritize independence over intimacy, I treat emotional demands as threats. My ex leaned anxious — she needed reassurance, closeness, verbal confirmation of love. Neither style is wrong. But the combination, without awareness, is a disaster.

Understanding this was the foundation for everything my therapist and I worked on.

Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson

If Attached gives you the theory, Hold Me Tight gives you the practice. Dr. Johnson developed Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which is built on the idea that adult romantic love is an attachment bond — and that most relationship problems are essentially attachment injuries.

This book helped me understand the “pursue-withdraw” cycle that my ex and I were stuck in. She'd reach for connection, I'd retreat, she'd pursue harder, I'd retreat further. Seeing this pattern named and explained — with empathy for both sides — was one of the most clarifying moments in my recovery.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

This isn't a relationship book. It's about how emotional and psychological experiences manifest in the body. I read it because my therapist recommended it after I described the physical symptoms of my breakup — the chest pressure, the insomnia, the inability to eat, the feeling of being physically hollowed out.

It helped me understand that what I was experiencing wasn't “just” sadness. It was a full-body stress response. And understanding that — treating it as something real and physiological, not just emotional — helped me address it more effectively.

How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo

A quieter recommendation but an important one. Richo talks about the five things that matter in love: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. Reading this, I could see clearly where I'd fallen short. Particularly attention — the simple, profound act of being present with another person. The thing my ex had been asking for and I'd failed to provide.

Rising Strong by Brene Brown

Brene Brown's work on vulnerability was important to me, particularly during the phase where I was learning to be honest about my own failures. Rising Strong specifically addresses the process of getting back up after a fall — not by pretending it didn't happen, but by reckoning with the story you're telling yourself about it.

Her concept of “the story I'm telling myself” became a daily tool. When I caught myself in a spiral — she doesn't love me, she's forgotten me, this is hopeless — I'd pause and ask: is this a fact or a story? Usually, it was a story.

Therapy

Individual Therapy (Attachment-Focused)

I found a therapist who specialized in attachment theory and interpersonal dynamics. Dr. Herrera. She was the single most important resource in my recovery. More than any book, any podcast, any article — having a trained professional help me see my blind spots was transformative.

I went twice a week for the first two months, then weekly after that. It was expensive. It was uncomfortable. It was worth every penny and every squirm. If you do one thing from this list, do this.

Finding a therapist: Look for someone who works with attachment, relationships, or Emotionally Focused Therapy. The Psychology Today therapist directory lets you filter by specialty. Many therapists offer sliding scale fees. Your first session should feel like being seen, not judged.

Consider Couples Therapy (Later)

We didn't do formal couples therapy during reconciliation, but we both continued individual therapy. Some couples benefit from joint sessions, especially with an EFT-trained therapist. We've discussed it as an option if we ever feel we need it.

Daily Practices

Journaling

Every night, before bed. Just writing. No structure, no prompts, no rules. Whatever was in my head, I put on the page. The journal entries on this site are from this practice.

Journaling does something that thinking alone can't: it externalizes your thoughts. Once they're on the page, you can see them more clearly. You can question them. You can notice patterns. You can look back, weeks later, and see how far you've come.

Exercise

I started running. I hated running. But my therapist told me that regular cardiovascular exercise is one of the most effective non-pharmaceutical treatments for anxiety and depression. She was right. By week three, the runs were the only time my brain was quiet. By week six, I looked forward to them. By month three, I was running four miles and feeling genuinely good.

Running isn't magic. Any physical activity works — walking, swimming, cycling, strength training. The key is consistency and intensity. You need to push hard enough that your body has to focus on the physical effort, giving your mind a break from the emotional effort.

Meditation (Simple Breathing)

I was skeptical about meditation. I tried it because Dr. Herrera recommended it for the anxiety spikes. I used simple guided breathing exercises — five minutes in the morning, five minutes at night. No apps, no subscriptions. Just sitting quietly and breathing with intention.

It helped more than I expected. Not in a spiritual way. In a practical, “I can calm my nervous system down in three minutes” way. During the moments of acute anxiety — the 3 AM urges to text, the spirals after seeing her at the farmers market — the breathing was a tool I could use immediately.

Podcasts and Audio

Where Should We Begin? by Esther Perel

Real recordings of couples therapy sessions (with permission). Hearing other couples work through problems similar to ours — the communication breakdowns, the hurt, the slow repair — was normalizing and educational. Esther Perel has a way of reframing relationship dynamics that is both compassionate and honest.

The Huberman Lab Podcast — Episodes on Grief and Attachment

Dr. Andrew Huberman's episodes on the neuroscience of grief, attachment, and emotional regulation were helpful for understanding what was happening in my brain. Understanding the biology of heartbreak — that it's literally a withdrawal response — made the experience feel more manageable. Not less painful. More understandable.

What I Avoided

Just as important as what helped is what I learned to avoid:

• “Get your ex back” programs. Most of these are manipulation tactics packaged as advice. They teach you to play games — jealousy tactics, power plays, scripted messages. None of it addresses the real issues.
• Pickup artist content. Same energy. Treating relationships as conquests and partners as targets. Toxic.
• Reddit rabbit holes. There are supportive communities online, but there are also echo chambers of despair and bad advice. I limited my time there after the first week.
• Alcohol as coping. The temptation was real. A few drinks quieted the pain. But it also lowered my inhibitions, making the 3 AM text-sending much more likely. I cut alcohol almost entirely for the first two months.

The Most Important Resource

Honestly? People. David, who picked up every call. Marcus, who showed up with pizza on the worst nights. My sister, who took my phone away when I needed her to. These relationships, which I'd neglected for years, became the scaffolding that held me up while I rebuilt.

No book can replace a friend who sits with you in silence at 2 AM. If you have those people in your life, lean on them. If you don't, building that support system is part of the work.

For the complete story of how these resources fit into my journey from breakup to reconciliation, read my full timeline of getting my ex back.